Duality

DUALITY

FELINA:

I am in a strange place....one of internal tension. Tension so gentle and sweet that I do nothing to resolve it. I allow it to linger like a subtle subroutine on the background of my consciousness. I sense his Yang power, and every cell in my body responds with a yin vibration to it.........at one time. And, yet, at another, my mind melts into his and enjoys the tease and the gentle surrender of his to my power. I know that in the depths of his consciousness, this surrender gives him deep pleasure.....pleasure beyond anything that the coalescence of our yin and yang essences could give....or so he thinks. I tease him until I see tears of unfulfilled passion in his eyes.....I am the gentle Queen who rules with a velvet glove........so soft and so firm in the same moment. It is not about the costumes or the fetish – it is about the way the surfaces of our minds touch. We play such an equal game..........to a point, and then a subtle twist of logic or a lateral stray of thought in one of the myriad of the dimensions in which we communicate, and he submits....and recognizes it immediately. Or, perhaps, he does so consciously. Most likely. No matter – it is just as delightful to watch his reaction to that, for I know the effect this action has on him...... Subtle pleasures........Ok, not completely true. I do that because I enjoy the power........enjoy that his pleasure is connected intimately to my word. Talk about manifestation of pleasure into reality by means of language!

Yet another part of me desires that wild, deeply masculine barbarian to abandon the space of the mind altogether, and merge into, fulfill me for that moment that feels like an ocean of infinity..... to feel his Yang element coalescing so completely with my Yin that there is no boundary between us – one organism, one breath, one heartbeat........one life-stream pulsating through our veins......The magnetic attraction that is like a true physical force – increases by the square as the distance between the bodies decreases.......Do you know what your closeness does to my body? Have you any idea what power of restraint it takes on MY part to stay mind-present and play the intricate game of mind-wrestle and win you over to a delightful submission.....and to hold the space for your restraint.........when what I want is amalgamation now?

The two facets of me are in a heated debate now that you are near. I hear them. I feel them viscerally. Neither my expression nor demeanor give that out - it is my dark secret.......and yet, I do wonder if with some 6th sense you know. I sense the resonant duality in you. Perhaps, our dualities feed each other. Perchance, that is a part of our infinite game.... I do hold a space for us never knowing each other. Knowing to me sings: “static view,” and we both are so infinitely dynamic, evolving, catalyzing each other's evolution. Rediscovering each other anew each time, being so present, not taking a single facet of the being in front of one for granted........Like seeing you for the first time. Enjoying you for the first time........just like that. I want to be there when as our tastes evolve, as our games change hues.........constant update of the mental image. Never stagnation. Like two powerful climbers striving to the peak.......each with his own style, yet, enjoying the communion of the journey and the shared joy of goal victory.. A violin and a bow perfectly tuned to each other........sensitive, trembling.....So many gentle powerful overtones I can sense......So many possibilities.......

ALONE

“Passion, it lies in all of us, sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted... unbidden... it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us... passion rules us all, and we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow... Empty rooms shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead.” Joss Whedon

FELINE:

I am at home........though it now feels like a museum. Every square inch of the walls is covered with my new creations for the upcoming exhibit. A fruitful day of hammering the walls and measuring the canvases – make sure the space is uber-efficiently utilized. I have a brush in my hand and am putting in the last touches on the last canvas.... My mind is on him. I catch myself. Will-power. Into the body I go – inhabit for a minute.....warmth in my limbs........back into the mind and to the canvas. He is still there. Out of the mind. Stay out of the mind – you will deal with him later, after the artwork is done. He cannot interfere with the Universal Consciousness flow that is spilling out onto the canvas. I will not let him. Stroke, another.........I am done. It is done. We are done. I stare at what has flown through in a kind of stupor. It is so powerful, and it is so what I want. It is my subconscious on canvas - a male figure sharing light with a female form, a light that both of them are getting infused with via two larger shells of beings that channel the light.........they are inspired.......and they are sharing this inspiration. She calls this painting “Like Fish in the Water.” I am content with it as it is, although knows that I'll have to touch it up in the next couple days and live with it for a bit to make sure it embodies the transcendental content fully.


I sit back with a notepad and unite with the canvas.........the poetic compliment of the painting pours out. And then the mind drifts in. And he is still there. His image – still there. I now see him in my painting [even though it was not supposed to be about him at all], AND in my mind. And he is not about to leave. I resist his presence there. Too soon. I like him too much. He intermeshes with my mind so skilfully – like two chemicals that dissolve so perfectly in each other, that it is a solution impossible to separate through any simple chemical measures. Our minds are completely miscible........and that is disturbing, for my mind has a truly unique chemical structure that reacts to most substances much like Teflon does – it experiences and then gently detaches. The process is as natural to me as swimming in the ocean of the Universal Energy, like walking, like flying away with my imagination. I get very, very still. Qui-gong does that for me. I feel the center again. I feel present. And in that presence, I feel the limbic desire – I want him. I want him NOW. Within the insanely short time that we've known each other, he has not yet learned [fortunately] that my limbic, reptilian desire for carnal communion is far greater than any woman [or man] he is likely to encounter. He does not know that yet. “Tis not time. 'Tis not his time. I need to have it today, otherwise I feel like a passage is being blocked by this desire. Plus, I am seeing him tomorrow, so there is no way I am coming to see him with the Limbic fire seeping from my every pore. Not yet, anyways.


I thumb through my phone's handsome boy-toy “support army.” I pick the Trojan who lives to closest and pay him a booty call. My luck has it that he is home and his mind is on similar matters [for whom? Doesn't really matter. Not to me, not now]. In 45 minutes, he is walking into my art studio.....his scent that of musk and alpha male. 6'3” viking picks me up like a little doll and puts me up on the kitchen counter, facing him, while starting to gently untie my silk robe of Samurai colours........He knows my weak spots, and, like a lion in heat, he goes for my ear lobes. His tongue, his breath, his gentle biting is intoxicating and the fog of this intoxication is drowning the crystal clarity of the day, of the mind, fortunately, of him.......The Trojan starts caressing my neck and kisses the clavicles oh so gently.........he hears my breath.......he feels my heartbeat as he pushes our bodies together..... I can feel his pulse and the extent of his desire through the tough jean fabric. I swear, he has an extra bone in his body that has not been described in the Netters. I cannot wait any longer, and he knows it. He lets out the beast, who immediately dives into me with a slow steadiness of a Moby pulse..........No, not Moby, please, not Moby. I do not want to be reminded...of Him........ We rock slowly, as he picks me up and puts me against the wall.................he holds me so easily with one arm, while pulling my hair with another. Oh yes, he knows all my secret places and knows how to use them to his advantage. He never fails to turn me on hotter than a train engine......a pulsating rhythm clouds out everything but our now one heartbeat and the Beast getting even hotter inside me. My body, every inch of it, is on the verge.....He knows it and bites my hard rosebuds to bring me over the edge. I scream, and his roar adds to my primal cry. I can feel the Beast erupting with magma............Endorphins flood every blood vessel of my brain and body. He lays me onto the black satin of my bed and puts his head on my chest.


And through the endorphins.................I see His face. I see His name. I wish for him to lay here now, with his head on my heaving chest....It is not time. Not his time. Nor our time. Yet. For now, this will do.

Tension

TENSION.
“The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.” Friedrich Nietzsche


MEPHISTO:

It is dark outside.......even darker inside........darkness feels like home now. I do not turn on the lights and just watch the wandering lights of the cars passing by dance in their chaotic way on the ceiling. I am in a space of stillness.........almost. Yet, something inside – I cannot place the finger of my mind on it yet – is striving to rise to the surface. Musice. Perchance, the music will set it right and the shadow piece will come into the light. I wave my hand and the motion-sensor glass of the stereo parts before my hand – if only she let me Play with her as easily as that. Moby.......slow instrumental.......primal rhythms.......yes, that's right. Something almost trance. I turn on the base and sink back into black leather of the couch, feeling the vibrations..... I find myself holding a delicate cognac glass......and Remy is somehow in it. I take a sip. Something is still missing. I hear a knock. It is night. I am not expecting anyone. I throw on a light sweater and wander through the moon-lit garden to invite my night visitor. The primal beat is getting under my skin....or is it the combination of that with the night air and Remy? Something – it is warming my blood, it is making that dark undercurrent turbulence even stronger.

The knock is subtle, almost muffled, as though the night visitor is wearing a velvet glove. I open. It is the scent that I meet first – musky, gentle, almost like the night air itself. Then white fur touches my hand – She stands in front of me in a long white mink – it covers her from head to toe.......even the head is covered by a hood. The wind is playing with her hair around the moon-lit face, which makes her skin appear even whiter than usual. She feels so tall today – I see delicate transparent high heels peeking out from under the mink. I get a sudden urge to take her feet into my hands and warm them. She walks in calmly with an air of confidence and “I'm at home,” and a half-a-playful-smile curling her delicate lips. I offer to take her coat. She says: “no.” She is starting to feel the beat of the music as she walks, her heels hit the floor tile in tact......it's almost choreographed, but I know she is simply in her element. There is nothing artificial about her, and yet she is naturally like a one-woman theatre.........unpredictible, impossible to stop watching. I watch her feline movements to the living room – I walk after her and feel like I am watching a beautiful, dangerous animal.

My thoughts momentarily zoom to that dinner where I felt her presence inside of me and welcomed it without fear. I still don't know how, but I know she was there – both in her and in me. I wanted it like that, although it was she who initiated it. I did not want that presence to leave, I do remember that. I still don't understand it. I just want more. I follow her into the living room, and just catch a glimpse of the white fur whirling onto the deck. I follow, leaving Remy behind. She is leaning over the balustrade and looking at the moon reflection in the water. The moon lights up the curves of her body as the fur is hugging them – a part of me wants to push her and fall with her........and fly momentarily, like that time in a hang-glider. Yet, this time it would be without a wing. No. Reel back. You are stepping over the line - even in your mind. The other thing I want to do to her – why, that's much more reasonable.......and WAY more tempting. After all, there is only a thin furry white skin that separates me from touching her.........well, that and her unpredictable reaction. Yes, there's that. And then it would be too easy, and that's what she might half-expect me to do.........so why would I?

FELINE:

I absorb the moonlight as I lean over the balustrade and watch its reflection from the water far below. I can feel his steps by the slight vibration of the floor – he walks so quietly, it sometimes makes me wonder if he is an agent. He approaches me from behind. I do not turn or react........at first. He comes to me and envelops my back – the coat and all.........and through it, I can feel the firmness of his toned body.....after all, only some animal skin is separating his flesh from mine. His breath is hot. And his scent.....bare, male, clean scent is doing something beyond my control to my body.....it's hard to believe scientists are still questioning the pheromone theory.....He just took a shower. His skin is still slightly moist. He holds me entirely. He envelops me. I feel almost possessed – comfort and desire at the same time, the settled and the deeply turbulent rising up from deep below. He can feel what is happening to my body. He knows I am two steps ahead in mental chess – he likes it this way often. I would lie to say I do not enjoy the knowledge of this power.....the power to tease his body and mind, the power to build and let loose, the power to tense and release the charge between us.........that pleasure is all the more intense when I know he enjoys the play as much as I do. He starts to gently caress my neck....he is touching it lightly, yet with almost tangible intensity that hints at “what lies beneath.” I feel like there is a dam inside of him that has built up, and when it shall fall, I wonder if it will simply wash us into the ocean like a pair of helpless fish.....He owns the Yang Power more completely than anyone I've ever encountered. I know this dam is not for everyone. I know this one is for me with the same certainty as the fact that I have 2 hands. I turn to face him suddenly, upon some deeper impulse. His eyes are glowing with moonlight – I can see my own image in them.....a few years ago, I would be flustered here. Not now. Composure. Gentle poker-face. The tension between us is palpable, I can almost taste it. We both crave each other's touch beyond what I thought may be possible. His fingers trace the contour of my face, down my neck, down the clavicle I can see his pupils narrow when his fingers encounter a diamond necklace, warmed by my body. I let him proceed to the one clip that holds the fur mantle together.......He does this slowly, almost painfully....teasing me, yet I know teasing himself oh so much more.......I let him do that.....I love watching his eyes when he does this now.....

MEPHISTO

My fingers grasp the clip that holds Her in the furry body halo........It falls to the ground almost inaudibly, streaming around Her like milky, soft waterfalls. She is standing in front of me in her moonlit primal divinity....with nothing but a hand-full of moon-sparkling diamonds on her neck and chest and her transparent high heels...... Galatea, oh, your Pygmalion would be proud. Only you are not his. Nor are you mine.....yet. But you are here. With me. Now..... My throat is dry. Words do not come. She sees my confusion and visual ecstasy, she sees the power of my desire, she enjoys the sweet torture she sees in my eyes. I can see a thought run through her presence: “there's a certain satisfaction in a little bit of pain........” You are Madonna...primal, beautiful, feline, heathen, wild........a Siren of the kind from which no ear-wax and mast-tying would rescue one. You are a walking paradox, and you know it and enjoy what it does to my mind and my body, and nothing pleases you more than seeing the gap between the two – my body longing for you and my mind holding yours, meeting it, sometimes giving in to you and sometimes resisting you...... I cannot bear this any longer. My teeth are clenched.......She is watching me with her cool yet intense eyes, with a subtle corner-smile......She is comfortable with the silence – more comfortable than any woman I've ever seen. She sees my effort to hold the mind-body gap and to hold back the dam of the desire I feel rising to the surface with full force........Then she suddenly smiles and starts running towards the hot pool – she got what she wanted.....now is my turn. Our turn. Our touch.......our primal amalgam......I run after her. My mind surrenders fully to my tsunami of my body.......

Amalgamation

…..For I am the first and the last.

I am the honored one and the scorned one.

I am the whore and the holy one.

I am the wife and the virgin.

I am the daughter.

I am the members of my mother.

I am the barren one

and many are my sons.

I am she whose wedding is great,

and I have not taken a husband.

For I am knowledge and ignorance.

I am shame and boldness.

I am shameless; I am ashamed.

I am strength and I am fear.

I am war and peace.

Give heed to me.

I am the one who is disgraced and the great one.

[Of Sophia]

FELINE:

I am wandering away from the sun-lit meadow with its clear terrain – the green shadows of the dense neuronal web is changing colour from pistachio to deep malachite......I am mind-melting with him....does he know I'm there? Possibly. And it does not matter – it is like a drug – delicious layer after layer – I am off into the dark woods, into the shadow, into his subconsciousness..........there in lay his darkest thoughts and fantasies.....therein germinates the all-powerful and all-ruling desire possessing his body from time to time. I am plunging into the darkness so that my eyes can barely discern the silhouettes of random thought forms whirling by, and some gently gliding.......I marvel at the rigid, intricate structure of some parts of his mind and at the amorphous, chaotic, yet wildly beautiful towering constructs of the others.......Does he know I am here? Oh, stop it! I told you – it doesn't matter – just keep exploring! He does not know that you have that ability to split yourself in two and be in your body at once and in him at the same time......yet, can it be that he is starting to sense that?

MEPHISTO:

I am awaiting Her. I know she will come. I know it will be in a new, unpredictable way. She is never the same........the continuity thread is so subtle – I never know which facet of hers I will see. Like the time that she showed up in a goddess costume and beckoned me to hang-glide with her just like that.........and we did step off the cliff. Both for the first time – I still remember the wisps of thin chiffon of her costume streaming around us like milky rivers.........as we were at the peak of the ascent, as we were riding the warm currents, she pulled out a bottle of glitter and opened the lid........the sparkling dust has risen up and we flew through a cloud of sun-sparkling diamonds......She screamed with joy and I felt free.........free of fear, of reservation, of hesitation and resistance........I felt ALIVE and PRESENT......Electric current on my spine.....a gentle touch on my neck. She is here. She must have come in from the back – I didn't see her. She never wants to sit across from me. Says it's too far.........I do not mind the distance sometimes, but am getting used to the “same side idea.” We are in a booth – it's not a problem. The next moment – she is next to me. My nostrils catch a scent of sunlight, sea breeze and, perhaps, a white orchid? Something exotic......Her hand touches mine. She does not say a word. She clearly knows when to pause.

FELINE:

As I wander through the Escher-esque realm of his imagination, something in my peripheral vision causes me to pause. A glimpse........a replica........of ME? She is standing there like a hologram – white chiffon goddess holding on to a hang-glider bar...the air around that hologram sparkles. I stand in bemusement absorbing the vision. She feels so alive. I touch his hand ever so slightly........gently sharing my qui with him......I can feel the current reach his mind – the loop has closed. He looks at me without words – they are superfluous at this moment – I simply know with my core and Presence – he sees me – not the Ego, not the superficial forms, the consciousness behind all that. An extraordinary sense of warmth envelops and penetrates my body upon that recognition. On some level he already knows that at this very moment a part of me exits his mind and becomes a droplet of blood in his veins – I am him as we speak. I am him as I hold his hand and as he sees me. In this state of amalgamation that feels effortless and pure, I feel both surrender and acceptance....and no fear of either. I can feel the life energy pulsating through both of us in one complete loop......and I can feel physical desire, although cannot say whether it is his or mine – it cycles throughout both of our bodies without distinction.

Thoughts drift to the “Game” - the hit-and-run, the “hard-to-get,” the “disappear into the night” game that has become so customary.........Thoughts of the years spent on “counterintelligence” of the game........how ridiculous all they feel now. How useless. How irrelevantly distant. It dawns upon me that seduction can happen at a plane so much higher than that ego-driven child-play..........and there it truly intermeshes the matrices of the spirit-mind-body tri-une. As I am coursing through his body, I feel resistance in his shoulders and his brain, although his limbic centers pulsate with desire that he has learned to control so exquisitely and has subdued to the rule of his mind.........and, yet, I can feel – and that sense is so tactile! - that sometimes he allows the wild stallion of the “reptilian brain” to let loose, and it erupts to the surface with hot magma to fulfillment...

MEPHISTO:

I feel that my rational thought is not enough. I call into action my full arsenal of existence – I feel intense tension building in the bio-space between us, and cannot explain it with confines of the known language. I feel the tremendous pulsation and an unexpected,sense of communion and being watched. From within. As I turn into my inner-scape, I feel another Presence – mine is not the only witness there. Yet, strangely, even though this Watcher is under my carefully crafted and much used samurai-worthy armor, I do not feel violated - I feel fuller, more resonant. Externally, I appear to resist her openness in one moment, while the temptation to surrender to her is definitely there...Yet, that would detract from the tension and the intrigue building.......I enjoy the charge and the gentle power-play that carries the lithospheric plates of the external reality like a magma undercurrent – hot and pulsating. I see that fire reflect in her eyes – I can feel it in her hand – I know she is aware of it at the same moment. I am realizing that there is just one being sitting at the table, only that one has two faces, two external bodies – a societal consensus of a “male” and a “female.” There is no equality of power, for it is one, while the external faces are so different and misleading.......Could she be a part of me and I – of her? Am I going mad?